Now, without question, there have been plenty of real life reasons why I haven’t been moved to write or stitch or sketch or anything for a while. These past months have brought a bushel of loss and physical challenge, disappointment, disillusionment, and oh yes, I’m turning 50 next month! Here’s the thing though, if I allow myself to be okay with whatever time it is taking to heal, I think I can actually hear my muses’ approaching footsteps. Because along with all of the crap this past winter has also brought about unexpected  happy reunions, tender delights and not a few belly laughs. It really is a matter of perspective isn’t it?

When I can look at whatever circumstances I find myself in with some measure of gratitude and positive regard, I can better believe in a bright and fruitful outcome. What I’ve also discovered is that I have a definite threshold for too much drama. Simply, when there is too much muck to wade through, I can look at a pile of lemons and only remember how sour they are and how much I really wanted grapes. The lemons-into-lemonade thing does require that the drama is at a level where I can corral my thoughts and emotions into the positive state they need to be in.

Yup, the tide has definitely turned. There’s still plenty of muck to wade through but somehow it doesn’t seem so thick and unyielding. And, could it be? Is that my muse I see heading my way? She looks refreshed and rejuvenated, and I know she’s bearing her gifts, ready for me to use, with her wide smile of encouragement and a wink reminding me to be irreverent. I’m so pleased to see her—we have plenty of good work to do. Did I mention I was turning 50 next month? Yay!

There certainly have been times when I felt that I did not speak up as loudly as I needed to – usually in the face of some ignorance or stupidity. Over time, though, I am getting better at discerning when something said has to be publicly challenged. A great example of this was when during the course of doing rounds at a psychiatric inpatient setting where I was working at the time, some fool offered the observation that “these people who come over here should learn the language better”, or something equally as stupendously ignorant. I was compelled to point out the fact that with the exception of me (as an African-American), and any Native Americans who may be present, everyone there had a relative who faced the same challenge. I added that it seems the problem was with the influx of the “new” immigrants, not the ones they were related to. I offered this really only for my benefit. Sometimes you can’t be silent – if I chose to then I would have had a great deal of trouble being okay with myself for having said nothing. Some ignorance just cannot be tolerated, for crying out loud!

The kind of silence I find most elusive is when I am trying to quiet my mind. It’s quite a challenge to still all those careening thoughts and bubbling emotion. Honestly it’s like trying to clean a cramped room filled with angry spider monkeys sometimes. I keep trying though. It’s important to achieve stillness and silence, at least to reach for it. When I get glimpses of this space of silence, I emerge from the experience more relaxed and clear and focused. Insight is found in silence, forgiveness too. For me there is also surrender in silence. Giving up the need to do and control and fix. I have been healed of a variety of maladaptive thoughts and behavioral patterns that no longer serve me out of stillness and the silence that accompanies it. Yup…it’s definitely worth doing battle with those spider monkeys!

Yes, the dance with silence has some complicated moves– easy to break when you should be holding onto it; hard to attain when you need it the most; and showing up and taking root when you need to speak.  But, I believe that peace comes when you learn how and when to embrace silence. That’s why I’m still working on the choreography.

And while we’re at it, there is another falsehood you should discard. It is the myth that if you do not speak a thing, it will go away. This is a false belief that has taken incredible hold in the African-American community in particular. We take a great deal of pride in “handling our business,” and dealing with whatever life throws at us without complaint. Historically, we have ignored psychological treatment options because they require that we speak of things we are taught to believe are better left unsaid. We hold people who “snitch,” or tell on someone, in contempt, and the notion of “keeping your business out of the streets” is all about not speaking.

The funny thing about the weight of words is that the longer they remain unspoken, or unexpressed, the heavier they become. Words gain strength when unspoken despite the tendency to believe that the painful experience associated with what you may speak of goes awry or loses it’s strength over time if you remain silent. There is no clearer example of this than abuse. When you are silent about being abused, you grant more and more power to the experience. Over time you begin to own the experience of yourself as a victim, and even when the abuse ends, you are inclined to experience your life in this role.

But here’s the great thing about words: they are also powerful healing tools. When you speak of your pain, you liberate yourself from the weight of it. You exorcise the shame and guilt that accompanies all abuse when you use words to excavate and expose your traumatic experience. You claim your power through words. You define and redefine yourself through words.

So, give up any code of silence you may have embraced under duress or pain. Choose your listeners well—surround yourself with loving, caring people you can trust. Lift the cultural ban off of therapy, and tell it! You’ll be blinded by your own shine in no time

There are several things you can do to hold it together:

Instead of trying to get it all done, and please everyone, why don’t you put the brakes on all of  that, take a breath and make some decisions about what’s important to you? This is about prioritizing your “to do” list. Do you really need to prepare a turkey, a roast beef, baked ziti, fried fish, ribs, and all of the assorted pies you do every year? Keep it simple, and doable. A good meal with a calm and serene hostess will be a much better experience for everyone. Who do you want to eat with? The woman who flour in her new hairdo, serving the gravy with a bad attitude or one who is genuinely please to see and feed you, smiling while she’s passing the greens around?

Ask for help. If a huge meal is not something you want to give up on, then ask for some help! I don’t remember any award ceremony following a holiday feast for the martry who does it all. Ask people to bring a dish or come over and cook with you. A word of warning here – if you can’t stand your cousin’s sweet potatoe pie, then put her on salad duty.

Embrace the spirit of the holidays by refusing to put a dollar sign on it. Why do you do it? Get yourself in debt, agonize over who is getting what, and is it enough.  When you think about it, the spirit of whatever holiday you are celebrating is about gratitude and honoring The Divine, in whatever form it takes for you. Instead of loading everyone up with presents, why not donate some money to a charity or an organization you care about? Everyone is hurting in these crazy economic times, so any gift you could give would be most welcome. Get the children involved early in the game so that giving becomes a part of them and their celebrations.. If your money is exceptionally tight this year (and I don’t know whose isn’t), then donate some time, or clothes your family has outgrown. You might even find a use for all of those presents from last year that were opened and then filed  in a closet somewhere.

I think the most important way to curtail holiday stress is to keep your expectations realistic. Why do you think it’s a good idea to have everyone sit down to a serene holiday feast over your house when you are managing a full-time job, and children, and, for that matter, half of the people you’ve invited over you don’t even like? Somehow we all fall into the trap of believing that all of the family discord, estrangements and chaos will magically disappear in time to enjoy the holidays together.  If your uncle drinks too much every year and acts the fool, why do you think that this year he will do things differently? Keep your expectations realistic. Maybe it’s not that big of a deal to you that there is plenty of family drama during the holidays. After all  your aunt’s  annual electric slide into the Christmas tree is the stuff memories are made of.

The bottom line is to be easy and make a commitment to enjoy yourself. Remember what all of the celebrating is about. Ask for help; embrace the spirit of the holidays without bankrupting yourself, keep your expectations realistic, and embrace the unique family that The Creator gave you. Or you could decide to honor the holidays quietly and peacefully and who cares who says what about how you acted all uppity this year!

I have been blessed to be in the company of women who are self-loving, spiritually grounded, enlightened and going about their lives with joy and a certain amount of fearlessness. Now, that doesn’t mean that any of them are perfect—to be human is to be flawed and distracted, insecure about some things, neurotic about others. It is rather that these women are doing their best and a little bit more as they move through their lives. They all have one utter truth in common, however: they all do the work to learn about themselves and they all strive to be more self-realized. I think that it is the conscious effort to embrace self-awareness as a life long process that is the key to a happy and fulfilled life. I, for one, am betting on it.

I don’t think that being in the mere presence of these enlightened women will magically turn me into a gregarious social butterfly—that is not who I am. I strive to become better at being me, and that is what my “team players” will help me do. They are honest and supportive without being patronizing, helpful without enabling, and above else accept me with all my warts. I am happy to say that I played a part in raising one of these enlightened women who happens to be my adult daughter.

Be easy with yourself. Love fiercely and with delight. No matter what your circumstance or situation, keep faith and gratitude close to your heart. I’m trying.

Why do they do it?

For instance, if you wear a weave, please, please for the love of all that’s holy have enough money to get regular re-touches. There are few things worse than seeing two-textured hair. The weave part is bone straight, while the roots are happy to be nappy. The same is true for those of us who do relaxers. Budget for regular touchups—please!

Another thing about weaves…okay, I get it. It’s technically your hair. You have the receipt. But please stop perpetrating! You know your hair doesn’t flow like that. Just stop it. Embrace weave (or for my paler sisters, “extensions”) for what it is—a way to change up your look and have some fun and versatility. Stop playing.

What is it with the blatant overuse of gel products so sadly seen in the hairstyles of some men? Put down the tube, step away from the gel and stop spiking your hair all the way up there. For the love of Pete! It is not a good look to present yourself as if you just barely survived a lightening strike.

Now, for my natural sistas, just because you are keeping it “real,” doesn’t exempt some of you from being card carrying members of the “busted hair club.” If you’re locking it or wearing any version of a ‘fro, your hair should not be crunchy, crispy or dusty. Should your hair sound like there is some snap, crackle and pop going on, then I have one word for you. Moisturize.

There is hope for those who are either permanent members of the “busted hair club,” or just visiting. Take some time and fix your stuff. Regular salon appointments, twisting with the right product, moisturizing, changing out a weave with some regularity, and gel rehab are all viable options. Let us all resolve to abandon bad hair management and stop scaring the children.

A few weeks ago, I thought I had come up with a brilliant plan to have some fun while putting myself out there, and introducing my art. Well, it didn’t quite work the way that I had planned, and I was feeling rather defeated. Since this whole re-invention thing (more about that later), I’ve had more misses than hits with getting my work out there, as well as developing (and maintaining) a healthy artist self-esteem Let me tell you, it was no easy feat to close up a successful private practice and take such a leap of faith. I have also found, however, that the biggest payoffs come from the farthest leaps.

Here’s the thing: out of that brilliant plan that didn’t quite work out came an opportunity to perhaps reach a bigger audience and make some fulfilling connections. Now, I’ve been through this kind of thing often enough to know that this is usually how things work. You get just what you need, which is not typically what you think you want. I just wish I could remember this a little earlier. I would save myself a great deal of needless worry and hand-wringing.

I do know one thing—I’ll continue to poke around and excavate those nuggets of opportunity that are found in even the deepest pile of…dirt. You didn’t think I was going there did you? Me? Curse in all this heat and aggravation and frayed nerves…never. At least not right now.

Now, it’s easy to spot the traditional kind of bully. These are people who push up on you by cutting ahead of you in line, tailgating, talking over you, and otherwise trying to obviously exert their will over yours.

But there are also the more insidious type. These are the bullies who you may work with, or even unwittingly hang out with. They flex with a smile and reasonable tones of voice. But don’t be fooled.  If you leave an interaction with someone feeling slightly off kilter—as if you’ve been shoved aside, then yes my friend, you have just been bullied.

The common ground where all bullies hang out is in the land of white-knuckled insecurity. They are people who have not discovered their real power, and so instead mimic what they mistake as power.

Unfortunately, there is a mood in this society, of late, to promote bullying behavior as the way to show everyone that you won’t take any mess. Shows like “Bridezillas”, and “The Bad Girls Club” are both examples of this modern day trend. What’s so hypocritical is the simultaneous move to highlight bullying in school and in cyberspace as reprehensible behaviors.

Well, in my humble opinion, here’s the deal: the only way to handle a bully is with true power.  Recognize it and react to it quickly and authoritatively. Tell it! Don’t just sit around and be bullied. They fear the light of scrutiny, so shine it on them.

It’s not cute. So be careful of how you’re watching one of the above name shows, or see some ridiculous bullying behavior in your community and are okay with it. It’s a slippery slope.

And…if you, by chance, are one of those people who are driving inches away from the car ahead of you because you’ve decided that they are where you need to be at that moment…why you mad?

Well, it’s 2010 and here I am. Older, wiser, wider, and much more self-loving than what I have ever been. Now, don’t get me wrong…I still grapple with self-doubt and too many insecurities. The difference is that I’m more accepting of the work I still need to do as just part of my journey.

I have done a great deal of work already, and that too is part of my journey.  I also am quicker at catching myself when I begin to dance that same old false and out-dated choreography. I accept only very few of the pity party invitations I am still compelled to address to myself.

It’s all good. It certainly isn’t easy but man, what a ride.

What is it with the notion that mental illness can be reduced to a matter of “chemical imbalance”? This certainly is not a concept that was initiated by the influx of reality shows focused on some aspect of dysfunctional behavior. When ADHD began its ascent as the diagnosis du jour, parents, teachers and even professionals all jumped on the chemical imbalance bandwagon. There was a great deal of relief found in the notion that a child tearing through a classroom and disrupting all life as we know it, was not a bad child—just chemically imbalanced. Give Johnny a pill and the universe would right itself again. The same thing played out with the diagnosis of depression. Take this pill and it will all be better.

However, there is a complexity to human behavior, emotion, and thought that cannot be accurately captured by the belief that any disruption in any of those spheres is a simple matter of chemical imbalance. It is in fact dangerous to think about it, (let alone prescribe or treat), in this manner.

The risk is two-fold in my opinion. First you stand the risk of absolving the individual who is suffering from a mental illness of all responsibility to make any behavioral adjustments. In other words, when you embrace the idea that depression, for instance, is only a matter of brain chemistry, you rob the person diagnosed with depression from any ability to improve his or her level of functioning (aside from taking medication).

Now in all fairness, there has been some attempt in the mental health field to promote the most efficacious treatment plan as a combination of chemical adjustment and therapy. But I’m here to tell you that most folks are much more comfortable with the idea that “I just can’t help it…I have a chemical imbalance,” than they are with the idea that even within the very real and debilitating context of their mental illness, they are still making behavioral choices; choices that are either healthy or not.

Now…don’t hate. I’m not saying anything like someone chooses to be clinically depressed or bi-polar or schizophrenic. However, there are still choices to be made within those syndromes. I am also not talking (or writing) about choice in the context of psychosis—that’s a whole different ball game. I’m talking about how mood, emotion and behavior are affected by and affect brain chemistry. In fact, all are so closely intertwined, it becomes a matter of the “chicken and the egg” syndrome.

Another risk in labeling all mental illness as a function of mere chemistry is that the stigma of mental illness is perpetuated. See, it’s okay to say you have a chemical imbalance. It’s not okay to say you caught a case, had a fit or conniption, or could not deal with something. A chemical imbalance is why you went off. Maybe it was your missed dosage that can explain why you went in and told off your boss, or threw the phone at the assistant or whatever. Come on. It should be perfectly fine to own a state of being  that is not working for you that reflects an imbalanced brain chemistry, early emotional scarring, maladaptive behavior, or poor choices, in any combination.

When you talk about or contemplate human behavior with any authenticity, you must be able to tolerate shades of grey. It is easy to think of anything as either this or that—black or white. I’m sorry. It’s just not that simple or absolute.  We all navigate through stuff. Some of it ridiculous and filled with drama and turmoil. To try to summarize the depths of despair that someone who is depressed, or the mind blowing fear that someone who has panic disorder experiences as a “chemical imbalance” is to relegate that individual as a mere composition of cells, and sinew. Alas, and joyfully, we are so much more.